Unmarried Parents in Germany: Paternity, Custody & Legal Rights

If you're not married when your baby is born in Germany, the mother automatically gets sole custody. You as the father get nothing—legally speaking—until you do some paperwork.

This surprises a lot of people. You live together, you're raising the kid together, maybe you've been together for years. Doesn't matter. German law says: not married = mother has custody alone.

Here's how to fix that.

Custody at Birth: The Default Rule

At the moment of birth, if you're not married, only the mother has parental custody (alleinige elterliche Sorge).

This changes only if:

• You both declare joint custody (Sorgeerklärung), or
• You get married, or
• A family court orders something different

Most people go with option one—the joint custody declaration. It's straightforward and free if you do it at the right office.

Two Things You Need to Do

There are two separate legal steps:

1. Recognition of paternity (Vaterschaftsanerkennung)
You officially become the legal father.

2. Joint custody declaration (Sorgeerklärung)
You and the mother agree to share custody.

You can do both before or after the birth. The baby just needs to be conceived—doesn't have to be born yet. You can also do both in the same appointment, which is what most people do because it's easier.

Where to Do This

You have options:

Jugendamt (Youth Welfare Office) – Free, and this is where most people go. They handle both paternity recognition and joint custody declarations.

Notar (Notary) – Costs money (something like €100-300 depending on what you need). Same legal effect, just more expensive.

Standesamt (Registry Office) – Sometimes they handle paternity recognition when you're registering the birth, but not always joint custody. Ask them.

The Jugendamt is the easiest option. It's free and they do this all day, every day.

What Actually Happens at the Appointment

You both show up in person with your IDs or passports. If you're foreigners, bring your residence permits if you have them. If the baby's already born, bring the birth certificate.

The Jugendamt will:

• Explain the legal consequences (basically: you'll both have equal custody rights and duties, same as if you were married)
• Have you both sign the declarations
• Officially certify them (öffentlich beurkundet)

It takes maybe 30-45 minutes. They give you certified copies of the documents, which you'll need for other stuff like applying for Kindergeld (child benefit) or adding the baby to health insurance.

Timeline and Costs

When: You can do this anytime after conception and before the child turns 18. Most people do it either during pregnancy or right after birth.

Cost: Free at the Jugendamt. If you use a notary instead, expect to pay a fee.

How long it takes: Usually one appointment, under an hour.

What If You Don't Do This?

If you do nothing, the mother keeps sole custody. Legally, that means:

• She makes all the important decisions: where the kid lives, which school, medical decisions, etc.
• You can still be involved and see the kid, but you don't have a legal say in major decisions
• You'd have to go to family court (Familiengericht) later to get custody, which is more complicated and stressful than just doing the declaration together now

I know people who didn't do this because they thought "we're together, it doesn't matter." Then they broke up and suddenly the father had zero legal rights. Don't be that person.

Important Note About Changing This Later

Once you've declared joint custody, you can't just undo it because you feel like it. If you want to end or change custody arrangements later, you have to go through family court. So yeah, take the declaration seriously—it's not something you casually reverse.

That said, if you're having a kid together and planning to raise them together, joint custody is what you want. It gives you both equal legal standing.

What to Bring to the Appointment

• Your ID or passport
• Mother's ID or passport
• Residence permits if you're foreigners
• Birth certificate if the baby's already born (though not always required if you're doing this beforehand)

Call the Jugendamt first to ask exactly what they need. Some offices want you to bring the Meldebescheinigung (registration certificate), some don't care. Better to ask than show up without something they need.

Legal References (If You Care)

The legal basis for all this is:

• §1626a BGB (Bürgerliches Gesetzbuch) – custody for unmarried parents
• §1626b, §1626c, §1626d BGB – details on joint custody declarations
• §59 SGB VIII – Jugendamt's authority to certify these declarations

You don't need to memorize these, but if the Jugendamt or anyone else starts citing paragraph numbers at you, now you know what they're talking about.

What You Should Actually Do

Stop reading and book the appointment. Seriously. This takes one hour of your time and gives you legal custody of your kid. There's no good reason to delay this.

Call your local Jugendamt, say you want to do Vaterschaftsanerkennung and Sorgeerklärung, ask what documents to bring, book the appointment, show up together, sign the papers, done.

If you're not sure which Jugendamt to contact, Google "Jugendamt [your city]" or tell me your city and I can point you to the right office.

The sooner you do this, the sooner you have the legal rights you should have. Don't wait until there's a problem.